Friday's Forgotten Books

Murder in Metropolis by Lonnie Cruise, Murder Beyond Metropolis by Lonnie Cruise, Married in Metropolis by Lonnie Cruise and Malice in Metropolis by Lonnie Cruise.

Metropolis, Illinois is a quirky little town of about 7,000 on the Ohio River. Its claim to fame it that its the only town in the United States named Metropolis.

To capitalize on its moniker, the town "adopted" Superman and, in 1986, the Illinois House declared Metropolis the Official Hometown of Superman. There is a 15-feet statue of Superman at the east end of the courthouse.

Lonnie Cruise grew up in Las Vegas, later moved to California and finally settled in Metropolis to raise her family. She then started writing Metropolis mysteries beginning with Murder in Metropolis.

Sheriff Joe Dalton, the hero of the series, is a likable, very believable character who is constantly called upon to solve a fictional murder that usually turns into more.

To solve the murders, he has the help of his deputies, his mystery-writing wife and the folks of the town itself. The people of Metropolis have the same hopes, dreams, schemes, aspirations and jealousies of people everywhere. But Cruise pulls you into their lives with an easy-going style that makes you care about them and cheer Joe on as he uncovers the clues that finally lead to solving the crimes.

But don't let the easy-going style of writing that mirrors the easy-going style of Sheriff Dalton fool you. Beneath his laconic exterior is a great cop who is an excellent judge of character and an excellent detective with a keen mind for unearthing clues and using whatever forensic science is at his disposal to aid in his detection.

Likewise, just beneath the surface of Cruise's smooth prose are thrills, chills, suspense, adventure and plenty of twists and turns. The books always keep you guessing until the end.

Just as interesting as the mysteries themselves, are the cast of characters who populate the town. Having grown up in a Midwestern town about the size of Metropolis, I can tell you the people she writes about are absolutely real and, like some folks in most small towns, really colorful, bordering on the bizarre. They are headstrong, set in their wacky ways and not about to let fashion or convention change them one bit. 

Most of the time, the Statue of Superman figures prominently in the stories, which adds a touch of surrealism to the hyper realistic milieu.

Start with Murder in Metropolis, which revolves around a headless body found draped over the Superman statue by the courthouse. I read all four books, in the order they were written, in one week. Once I visited Metropolis and spent time with Joe, his wife and the townsfolk, I just didn't want to leave.

Cruise emailed me awhile back with the news that she had given up writing the Metropolis books because she didn't sell as many as she does with her new series, the Kitty Bloodworth, Fifty-Seven Mysteries, which also take place int Metropolis.

Here's hoping sometime she returns with further adventures of Joe Dalton and the super mysteries set in Superman's official hometown.

SEND IN THE CLOWNS

This is some flashy fun in which we were all given opening sentences and asked to finish the story. My opening was: For all the thrills and excitement I get, the part I hate is getting the blood out of my clown suit.

And here is the story...

SEND IN THE CLOWNS

For all the thrills and excitement I get, the part I hate is getting the blood out of my clown suit. Club soda doesn’t work nearly as well as they say it does. Spot removers leave a vestigial stain. And the laundry? Forget it. Sometimes I just have to throw the suit away. It’s a pain, no doubt. But it has to be done.

All the beatings and the killings and the bloodshed can’t be helped. It‘s just the way it has to be. Sometimes you have to crack a few eggs to make an omlette.

It started with Augie Doggie. I bumped into him at a backyard birthday party for the mayor’s son.

I was pulling quarters out of the children’s ears, shooting water from my oversized boutonnière---the usual. He was on the other side of the patio, just waving and hugging children one by one. No style. No class. Not even much of a show. I came up behind him and yanked his tail. “What are you doing here?”

“Same as you, entertaining the kids.” He didn’t even try to mimic Augie Doggie’s voice. He turned his back on me.

“I got some advice for you, be out of town by sunset. We don’t like your kind around here. This is a clown town. Always has been. Always will be.”

He didn’t reply.

Soon there were a pack of brightly-colored dogs roaming the streets: Doggie Daddy, Huckleberry Hound. Ruff, Scoobie Doo, and Astro.

I didn’t like it. The other clowns didn’t like it. But we stood by and did nothing. First the canines and then came the other Hannah Barbarians: Quick Draw McGraw, Trixie and Dixie, Magilla Gorilla, Tom and Jerry, Yogi Bear, Boo Boo, Cow and Chicken. Our town was turning into a damn zoo of human-sized cutesy animals. I don’t like cutesy,

“We gotta do something,” Henry the Hobo said at the next meeting of the Clown Club. “Costumed characters are taking over. They have to be stopped.”

One of the old timers, Chuckles the Clown, called for restraint. “I say we let it be. They’re not hurting anyone. They’re only doing the jobs we don’t want to do anyway. Church picnics. Small birthday parties. The crap jobs. We can coexist.”

He couldn’t be more wrong. The dominoes started falling. After the animals came the minor heroes, Johnny Quest, the Power Rangers and the Hurculoids. Followed, of course, by the DC and Marvel cost-tumors. We saw our neighborhoods decline, We watched our jobs go. Who wanted a clown when you could have Batman or Spiderman at your function?

When a couple of other clowns and I showed up at the annual sidewalk sale and saw Barney on the stage, I lost it. That had been our gig forever and I wasn’t going to let some pussy purple dinosaur ruin it. When he came off stage we jumped him and beat his purple ass black and blue.

However, the big showdown came during the July 4th Picnic and Fireworks. Someone had invited a lot of costumed characters to the event. No clowns. This had to be stopped. We clowns were not to become the laughingstock of our own town. We met at the Velvet Painting, a clown bar. We devised a plan. We armed ourselves. We came to the show loaded for bear, dogs, and what have you. We had seltzer bottles full of battery acid, cream pies filled with razor blades and gunpowder-packed rubber noses.

You think Superman can only be hurt by kryptonite? Well try jamming an exploding slap shoe up his crimson skivvies. Batman didn’t like bats so well when they were Louisville Sluggers wielded by ten angry clowns. Aquaman couldn’t swim for shit with three clowns on his back. And Yogi Bear hated the tricks we put in his pik-a-nick basket. All in all, it was a massacre. Clowns stomped the shit out of the other kiddie entertainers. Frankly, I dug all the violence. I never felt more alive. The costumed creeps found out we weren’t clowning around. They left town.

Since then, we haven’t seen any costumors. Even the Hamburgler and Mayor McCheese have left McDonald’s.

We’ve elected a clown mayor, related to the Bush family, by the way, and have clown majority in the city council. It was decided by our elected officials that our borders were a little too porous, so we’ve built a wall around the town and set up border patrols. We’re trying to keep our town free of undesirables.

Just last night, when I was on patrol, I saw a mime trying to sneak in. I asked what he was doing. He didn’t say a word. So I shot him point blank. My gun had a silencer on it.

So listen up all you costumed characters, you mimes, you dancing edu-tainers and magicians, you’re not welcome in Red Skelton City. We have a zero tolerance policy. Our borders are sealed. And we clowns are not afraid to get a little blood on our mitts. We are the baddest clowns around.

Don’t you forget it.

THE END



(for more stories in this challenge see: Patti Abbott's blog: http://pattinase.blogspot.com/
and Gerald So's blog: http://geraldso.blogspot.com/)